Time for us all to pitch in ? the poor people of Shaughnessy need shovels
Wayne Moriarty
The Province
With the exception of a lost weekend that lasted five years, I have been an avid runner since 1974.
I bring this to your attention for the purpose of presenting my credentials as someone well acquainted with the sidewalks of Vancouver.
Over the decades, I’ve run in West Point Grey, Dunbar, Killarney, Strathcona, the West End, Yaletown, Cole Harbour, East Hastings, Riley Park and pretty much every other neighbourhood in this magnificent city of ours.
My favourite place to run, when Stanley Park is too far or too crowded, is Shaughnessy.
The first time I ever ran through Shaughnessy was on a bright and sunny day some 40 years ago. I imagined, so perfect was this place, it didn’t rain here; instead, the beautiful trees, flowers and shrubs, many of them secured behind imposing walls, were kept vibrant and lush by the dew and the dew only.
I said “imagined,” as, of course, yes, it rains in Shaughnessy.
t snows, too.
Which brings me to the point of this column: In this most wintry of winters, why is it the residents of Vancouver’s toniest neighbourhood have appeared, for the most part, wilfully incapable of clearing the snow and ice from the public sidewalks outside their respective homes?
I understand many of you don’t get to Shaughnessy all that often, so you are going to have to trust me on this one: I can state with a degree of certainty that 80 per cent of the sidewalks here remained unattended throughout this past month of highly inclement weather.
After a lengthy deliberation of — I don’t know — three minutes, I concluded there can only be two explanations for this behaviour.
One is that nobody lives here. Now, the part of me that feels there is too much foreign ownership in this city considers this a distinct possibility. But the part of me that is sane, knows it isn’t — a possibility, that is.
The other explanation owes its conclusion to the deductive wisdom of Sherlock Holmes, who, as a Moriarty, I know all too well: “Once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”
With that said, I’ve concluded the residents of Shaughnessy are unaware of how to purchase a shovel.
Time to act, folks!
Based on extensive research that involved slightly more than 30 seconds of reading Wikipedia, I determined the population of Shaughnessy to be approximately 10,000. With a working average of four people per household, that would mean 2,500 shovels are needed before the next snow arrives.
I went to Home Depot’s website. An 18-inch ergonomic snow shovel runs approximately 33 bucks. Given I’m looking at purchasing 2,500 of these beauties, I figured I could get the cost down to $30 per unit, or $75,000 all in.
I consider myself a generous man, but $75,000 is simply outside my shovel budget, so I’m proposing a GoFundMe campaign. It’s a natural. My God, it even has alliteration on its side: “Shovels for Shaughnessy.”
We need to act quickly. While there is no snow in the 10-day forecast, according to the Farmer’s Almanac, February will see the return of flurries.
Finally, if I haven’t fully convinced you of the need to donate, allow me one more point to pull on your heart: If the sidewalks of Shaughnessy are not routinely cleared in the most prudent and efficient of manners this winter, where are the cyclists going to ride?
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